Top 10 things you don't want in your Oven
WARNING: You won't like this article if you are at all squeamish.
10: Century egg
Yum, yum. A “Century” Egg, almost sounds classy, doesn't it? Unfortunately, unlike wine, not all things get better with age.
Basically, you take your standard duck, chicken or quail and wait until they drop an egg. Next, take said egg and coat it with a mixture of clay, ash, salt and lime and rice straw. Done that? Good. Now go watch TV for a few months while the “magic” happens.
When you return to your egg, you will be greeted with a strong odour of sulphur and ammonia, very similar to as if Satan had been hanging around. You'll also find the yolk has turned into a dark green creamy substance, much like mucus. Congratulations, your Century Egg is ready. Serve cold to mother-in-law. Yes. It's basically a mouldy egg.
9: Atlantic herring in a can
This was found in a can of Atlantic Herring in Russia. I'm not sure if this is GM Herring, specially bred this way to avert the need for a can opener, or some new predatory species. Whatever it is, I'm pretty sure “fangs” are not on the ingredients list. Atlantic Herring can actually grow up to 18 inches and it would seem that teeth growth is directly proportional to this.
8: Drunken shrimp
If you are going to eat live food, make sure it's handicapped first. Much like many of my first dates, drunken shrimp is left to soak in a bowl of alcohol until it is intoxicated and weak.
This food, however, is definitely is top for “foods not to eat on a first date”. You thought slurping soup was embarrassing, feel self conscious with spaghetti hanging down your chin? That's nothing. Imagine trying to hold a romantic conversation while your having a knife fight with this little bastard as he squirms around your plate.
Even though it's drunk, the pincers are unfortunately left activated, which leaves you with the ongoing dilemma that you could at any minute, get owned by your food. A shrimp at that.
7: Sea Cucumber
Yes. It looks like a turd. That's not the worst bit. While alive and crawling about, leaving a silky gunk trail (while purring like a cat as they can do), someone decided it would be a good idea to try and eat a Sea Cucumber. To make them even nicer, if you pick them up, they go stiff and ejaculate an “irritant” over you as a defensive mechanism. Obviously something you'd immediately think of eating.
I'm not quite sure what is worse. The turd like image, or the more scientific diagram of a Sea Cucumber.
Just try not to think about tentacles, Ambulacral feet or Papillae on the back while you eat them... Hmm... Tastes like squirmy.
6: Roast Guinea Pig
Forget about Hamster in the Microwave. This is pure roasted Guinea Pig, battered and served a variety of poses, such as “Roadkill” and “WTF this is hot oil”. Serve with a side helping of boiled potatoes.
5: Dung Juice
Feeling thirsty? Got nothing to drink? What kind of loser are you? The obvious thing to do in this situation is find the nearest pile of shit or dung, pick it up and squeeze the juice out of it. Bear Grylls, cool guy – probably not someone you want to take for dinner with your mum. “.. and then I said, 'I think I'll squeeze the liquid out of that and drink it'”. Hello?
4: Chinese caterpillar fungus
This is just wrong. So, so, so, so very wrong. This food starts “life” as a caterpillar. Fair enough -sounds edible. How about a caterpillar that's taken over by a parasitic fungus. “No ice cream for you unless you finish your caterpillar fungus parasite!”
3: Baby Mice Wine
How to make a good bottle of wine; Pick some grapes, squash them, leave them to ferment, bottle it up and pop a few baby mice in.
2: Stewed rat head
I suppose this is one way you could deal with the growing problem of rat infestations. I'm really not sure why you would want to eat an animal that carries disease and spends its day blissfully rummaging through bags of waste though. Oh and the fact they wear plastic gloves to eat it really makes me wonder.
1: Monkey Brain
What more can I say, it's the brains of a monkey. Eat it with a spoon, whack it in between some bread and make a sandwich, pop a slice in your packed lunch, or for the ultimate meal, serve with a chilled glass of baby mice wine.
